Page created 5/30/2026

Amateaur sexology/anthropology and personal reflections on sex/sexuality. Wow. Crazy. I might rewrite some of this shit eventually I don't know

When I was too young to be doing it I was doing sex roleplay online with strangers, first on omegle and later on discord. It was probably not good for me. I've not taken apart the potential influence it could have had on me and I don't really know for sure how I'd even go about doing that. The most immediately obvious thing to do would be to say it traumatized me somehow. Maybe? It doesn't really feel like it. I wasn't sending people pictures of myself or anything so maybe that saved me from the worst of it. The most damaging thing I can directly connect to it is jerking off too much, but that's not the worst thing in the world. It's not being addicted to heroin. Beyond such worries of inherent harm, the most obvious potential impact is on my sexual interests in a broader sense. This is something I think I can speak about in a bit more depth

I almost exclusively roleplayed things with what you'd call BDSM themes. I used to be a big kidnapping freak. I was always the one doing the kidnapping just to be clear. I was never with that weak shit of being kidnapped myself. I only inherited the sadism part of sadomasochism thankfully. I especially liked it when the other person played as being straight, it was fun to torment them in the scenario. Maybe if I hadn't been busy jerking off I would've played the sims or something lol. Still never played the sims, I should some time. Anyway, I think I played kidnapping alot because I felt (and still do feel, to a lesser extent) rather undesireable. The idea of someone romantically loving - and being aroused by - me despite torturing them was wonderful when I felt like it was basically impossible to get that in real life even without the cruelty. I had familial love and online friends, but I didn't really feel I had any prospects of a love life. I don't think I was fully aware of this attitude at the time, but it becomes more apparent as we move down the timeline

As long as I had sexual urges of any sort they were directed at effeminate men. It just made sense. I was fat and hairy and smelled bad so it made sense to be attracted to dainty little flowery twinky people. This ultimately led me into becoming a force-fem enjoyer. Force-fem was cool because it made other people weaker than me. Being a gross obese sweaty man made me like the idea of making someone else pretty and thin and stuff. It's kinda misogynistic in a way, I guess. That masculine-feminine dichotomy is hard to let go of even if you're not heterosexual. I don't know if I'd want to even if I could. It works pretty well for most people and I get hard from it so I'm not inclined to challenge it too much in my interpersonal life. It might not function as well for some people, and I'm sorry for them. Many trans people I know seem anchored to the concept more than me, though. Sometimes they drive me crazy talking about their bone structures and testosterone/estrogen-poisoned bodies. Gender dysphoria truly is a mental illness. It pains me to see them so upset over their body when they look fine and most normal people wouldn't question their gender if said person was seen in public. Obviously their suffering is worse but still. Trans people are good folk mostly and they are the gender they say they are obviously. Some people really need to grow up and not bitch about rather easy to understand because they're beyond their feeble understanding

I think cisgender people can learn a lot from transgender people, especially in analyzing their own sexuality. I've talked to a trans man friend of mine and come to the realization that I'm an autoandrophile of sorts, and that most cis men probably are too if they think about it. Autoandrophilia is the brother of autogynephilia, a term developed by a transphobic sexologist named Ray Blanchard. Basically, autoandrophilia is the fetish of being percieved as a man. This is often applied to trans men in a rather crude, offensive way, but I think that some version of this is basically the default for men, at least cisgender men (of which I am one, if you forgot). Men that are aroused by being percieved as female in a sexual context aren't socially normative and seem a bit rare in my experience, though they certainly do exist. In my situation, being a man is a pretty significant part of my sexuality. The things I find kinda gross about myself are excused by me being a man and are actually hot because they're masculine. Men are supposed to be sadistic and want control over people in sex so it's okay. I don't act on these desires in other contexts (if anything, I'm too nervous and not assertive enough), but it does sorta bother me that I have them at all. Perhaps I should let go and go ubermensch mode. I don't know anymore. I hope any of this makes sense. If not sorry for wasting your time