Since there's barely any of 2025 left I'm just gonna talk about the end of this year overall instead of splitting it into individual days

I liked Christmas a lot more than normal this year. Pretty much all I did was sit inside but it was still nice. I got to watch Eyes Wide Shut with my boyfriend and then I got gifted 2 games from one of my friends and I played one of them (Sam & Max Hit the Road) on call with some people and it was a lot of fun. I spoke to someone whose voice I hadn't heard since I lived in Charlotte while I was in middleschool. It was really a nice day. Most Christmases I've had since we moved back to the midwest about 4 years ago now have been pretty dull and sad. No one in our family really gives a shit about us and I don't have any friends I can go visit without driving out of state or getting on a plane. It was nice this year, I stayed up until 5 in the morning or so doing random shit like that. I didn't wake back up until 3 or so and I didn't see my grandma until 4. Some people might think of that as a kinda pathetic Christmas but it was better than most I've had the past few years

After that I got a nice present in the mail from my boyfriend. I got a tarantula plushie. It's the same kind as one I got from the zoo when I was a little boy. I lost it a long time ago but he got me one from the same company and sent it to me. I like him a lot he's so cute. I named him Terry. King Terry the Terrible Tarantula likes to sit on my cats and my socks. He's nice and soft, I like him a lot. Before Christmas I sent him a package with some stuff I figured he'd like. He got a teddy bear, some pecan cookies, a letter written in my own shitty handwriting, a funny rubber duck, some hello kitty stickers (his favorite is kerropi) and an evil eye necklace I got for him a while ago. I think there was a thing or two I might have forgotten but I dont really wanna think real hard to figure it out. It was so much fun to see him open his shit I loved it so so much. I wish I had enough money to send him things all the time

Today (December 30th, early December 31st) I wasted a lot of time I think. Some of it was fun but it felt kinda wasted. I spent some time trying to recreate the look of vintage photos through color balancing n shit but I don't think it turned out well. I'll show yall the start and what I ended up with. The original is on the left and the edited one is on the right if you couldn't tell.

I spent the day after that looking at old nature photography and took some screenshots for possible later use. It was enjoyable part of the time. I've been really into Boards of Canada lately, especially Geogaddi. It's such beautiful surreal music, it feels like its this music that comes from the subconscious that we all pull from as people. I can't fully explain what makes their music so special. I like some other electronic music but I think BOC's hauntological sound is the perfect embodiment of what electronic music is about, trying to move past the boundaries that instruments set for us. Their music feels very free, it explores ideas in a way that's very unique to the medium. The themes of nostalgia and decay are conveyed pretty well by the old samples and outdated synthesizers. The band has explicitly said they're trying to create a past that never existed which I find interesting. I've always found the way occultism and subliminal messages mix with the themes of nostalgia in their work to be exceptionally creepy. It gives Geogaddi in particular this connection that makes it a cohesive piece instead of a set of cool electronic songs

Today is New Year's Eve. I don't have a whole lot to say really. My first anniversary with my boyfriend was this year and it made me really happy. I had wonderful conversations with my friends and I wrote more than I have in years prior. I graduated high school which was also pretty damn awesome. Generally it was just a year of change. I'm pleased with it. There's been a lot of bad changes in the broader world, but I think I'm personally on an upward trend. I'm sorry there's not much to say, but I don't really feel like I did a whole lot this year. Happy new year to the people reading. I'm gonna try to enjoy mine the best I can

January 2026

January 1. The first day of the new year has been pretty uneventful. I went to the grocery store. After that I read some more Programmed to Kill by David McGowan. Programmed to Kill is honestly a really good read. It's a pretty morbid book that makes some interesting connections. It really exposes some interesting ideas. I don't think he's entirely right about everything, but I don't think such a book ever could be. It's worth a read if you find conspiracy theories (of the more serious kind; Operation Gladio, MKUltra, etc.) and true crime interesting. It's available for free download on the internet archive. It's over 400 pages long but I have yet to get bored with it, I'd highly reccomend giving some of it a shot if it seems interesting. I read a chapter today. After this is done being written I'm going to watch Spongebob with my boyfriend and when he goes to bed I'll either watch a movie (most likely Dune 1984 or Trainspotting) or I'll play LISA: The Painful. Very uneventful day all things considered but I also woke up at like 3 in the afternoon lol

January 3. War in Venezuela! It's obviously bad if you're even vaguely intelligent. Maybe if we butcher an oil-rich nation this time it'll produce an equitable society. It hasn't worked before but we might be able to do it this time. I don't have much to say because it's self-evidently bad. In other news I watched Climax by Gaspar Noe and it was pretty damn cool. It's not for everyone but I liked it a lot. It's just a visual spectacle. A lot of powerful camera work on display and I really respect the commitment to just letting things play out. I personally found the interviews and random party banter fun to watch but some people probably wouldn't. Read a quick summary of the movie and if it seems interesting maybe give it a shot. I'm working on some writing that I don't know if I'll put on here today too so we'll see. I'm also finally sorting shit into folders properly on here which is good

January 4. It's a new day. My internet was out a large portion of today. My grandma made peanutbutter fudge last night which was pretty goated. Later in the day I went to the dollar store and I had a funny encounter. This man named Ryan came up to me for an "interview" that was basically just asking if I followed the Bible. He asked me if I ever stole something, if I ever took the lord's name in vain and a few other boring questions. The only one I said no to was the one where he asked if I "committed adultery in my heart" by looking at hot ladies in public and I said no. I don't think he figured exactly why that was though. He gave me a card for his church with his name and phone number and the "ABC" of salvation. Step 1 is to Admit you're a sinner, step 2 is to Believe Jesus is lord and step 3 is to Call upon him. Pretty clever. I think a lot of people rightfully would have been annoyed by the interaction but I thought it was kinda cute. Not a whole lot else to say. I've been writing some medeival era shit and listening to Talking Heads so it's chill

January 6. I've been writing and chilling with my cats. I restarted a story I began about a year ago now. Some fagslop about a forced marriage between a prince and king of opposing kingdoms. Check it out if that sounds interesting to you. I finished chapter 1 of Suttree by Cormac McCarthy. McCarthy is such an incredible writer, it's really quite the shame that he was a pedophile. Few authors have such a talent for interesting descriptions. He's also a pretty incredible writer of dialog, at least from the books I've read so far. He's really just beyond comparison in my mind. Even from the start of his career there was a spark unlike anything else I've ever read, though his craft was certainly less refined than his later works. I think it's fair to consider McCarthy to be a bit pretentious and annoying at times but I personally loved every minute of Blood Meridian and cried quite a bit while reading the Road. If you can get past the surface-level irritations of his writing (the sparse use of punctuation and dialog attribution, the obtuse word choices, etc.), you get access to quite a memorable storyteller. Every time I sit down to read a piece of his I come across an interesting new word or a great phrasing of some sort. In other news my boyfriend might start a blog. He used to run a blog and he closed it down a while back. I talked to him about it some today and he said he might pick it back up. It might even become a feature on this site, so stay tuned...

January 7. I did basically nothing today. I woke up at noon like the perverted chud freak I am. I argued with my grandmother about the Epstien situation while I was eating dinner for some reason. After that I wrote a bit more about my thoughts on modern culture. I think I'm going through a mild depression or something. I've never been diagnosed with anything but I've felt kinda depressed for a while, the past 4 years or so. I felt it especially today though. I was tired and pretty numb most of the day. I hope college will be better to me. Sometimes I feel kinda ashamed of myself for feeling lonely and numb when things are fine all things considered, but I just can't help it. I've been feeling like Lou Reed on train round the bend. Been in the country oh much too long, trying to be a farmer... But nothing that I planted ever seemed to grow. It's just kinda drudgery. I love my friends and my family and my partner but I can't help but feel there's something that I can't access, something more to life I can't ever really tap into. I need friends that aren't just in my phone, but so far I've not had any luck with that. I don't know. I'm not gonna kill myself or anything but I'm just kinda sick of it. I'm glad things aren't getting worse at least. I hope things are better for yall

January 8. I also did nothing today basically. I listened to Tom Waits early in the morning and cried some. He's a great singer and can really write a heartbreaking song. Good night, Irene... I might try to watch a movie later tonight, we'll see. I've been trying to lucid dream a bit and it's pretty hard so far. I have a hard time even remembering my normal dreams

January 10. Yesterday I got my hands on an external DVD drive and 3 Qunetin Tarantino DVDs. Freaking epic! I might watch one of them tonight. I'm so retro and analog... I got 2 free donuts from different places yesterday too it was cool. Other than that it was a pretty lame day and I didn't get anything done. Today was more boring but I got some more of a war between kingdoms done. I had a lot of fun writing the dreams in the new section, and I hope you guys enjoying reading it. I'm gonna be pretty regularly editing the whole thing, and probably won't stop until all the sections have been put out. We'll see though. I ended up watching all kinds of braineating slop the past few days and it started to really irritate me. I ended up watching shit about hasbin hotel and some mobile games that were popular in the early 2010s that I'd never even heard of. I don't really know what I was doing. I don't feel like I ever really know nowadays

January 12. A few days until my birthday and a couple weeks before I move out for college. I think I'm gonna try to walk 2 miles or so every day until I move. I need to do something. I've been reading more of Programmed to Kill and I finally did some work on America Bleeding. I really hope yall have liked that stuff so far, it's a mix of some of my anxieties about the future and various ideas I've heard and seen throughout my life. I've been trying to keep the quality up a bit by not forcing myself to work on it when I don't have much of anything to say. I always worry about not having anything worth saying to present, I don't like wasting people's time. Especially not when everyone's so tired and depressed and worn down all the time like they are now. In other news I've been listening to some Mungo Jerry lately. I really love some of his music, it's oddly uplifting with a bit of a strange tinge. If you like folk/blues rock I think he's worth a shot. One of the few people that can play kazoo well

January 13. I got some important stuff to do tomorrow. I got tomorrow comin like always. Lately I've kinda been having some small-scale regrets about college and I haven't even gone yet. There's times where I wanna live the wild life. I wanna live off nuts and berries, not go to college. One of the few constants in civilizations around the world (that I know of and have thought about at much length) is this idea that something about civilization is innately depressing and cruel. I think people have come far and achieved many great, noteworthy things, but I can't help but feel it's all hollow sometimes, at least for a little bit. I'm not one of those people to cry about things not being natural, but there's definitely something very artificial about life, at least mine nowadays. I feel like people weren't meant to live this way. There's no mystery to it. People were meant to be apes that lived in caves and fucked a lot and had sweet fruits sometimes and worshipped the stars. The phrase no church in the wild always really stuck out to me and I think it really encapsulates a powerful idea. If there is a God, you could only ever find him inside yourself. You can see it in the trees and the rivers maybe, but you're only projecting it onto the world and looking at it. Projecting in a literal way, like when they'd wheel the projector out of the closet at school to show you some bullshit movie. That's what it means to me anyway. There are no churches in our natural state of affairs, but people have always been religious. Mysticism predates religion, and I think mysticism is a natural thing; the church, so to speak, is something we invented. There's none of them out there where we've not gone. One can imagine even non-humans might have some kind of mystical inclinations. Sometimes I drop all that stuff and get excited about getting a degree and act normal for a while. It's just been on my mind a lot lately

January 15. What a load of shit my birthday turned out to be. Everyone was sick or tired so I didn't do anything. I napped for a large part of it. I barely got to talk to my boyfriend and then one of my best friends decided I was trying to ruin his life. If this is what getting older is like it's pretty lame. I got 100 dollars at least. What a day. Worst one I've had in a while now. A boring slop bullshit birthday